Salaams dear sisters,
First and foremost, I want to tell everyone how sorry I am for not keeping up with my daily entries. I’ve been struggling with the depression thing again for the last few days, and for anyone who’s suffered from it, you know how debilitating it is. As much as I love this blog and hearing from all of you lovely sisters (a lot!!!) when I feel this bad I just want to lay down on the couch or in bed and just beg Allah SWT to forgive me for whatever I’ve done to deserve such a punishment. And that’s another reason why I haven’t written, because I promised myself that this would be a blog glorifying Allah SWT, and if I cannot glorify Him, then I wouldn’t write anything at all.
What stinks about depression is how everything turns gray: your freshly-ground cup of coffee tastes like mud, the chirping of the birds sound tinny and canned, and even the little annoyances in life become huge detractors. Your eyes burn from crying and you feel like you’re never going to smile again. When things get REALLY bad, you wrap yourself up, cocoon-like, in bed and stay there for hours at a time. You either stop eating or overeat, depending on how you’re wired, and just the mere thought of washing or brushing your teeth or doing all of that personal hygeine stuff falls by the wayside…using water, soap, deodorant, and a toothbrush just seems impossible.
The way you feel about yourself during an episode is really sad: everyone in this world is more intelligent than you, more attractive than you, more successsful than you, more anything than you. You feel like the worst person in the world and that there’s no hope for you at all, not now, not ever. You look in the mirror and hate what you see so much that eventually you don’t have the guts to look in the mirror anymore.
Depression stinks, ladies. It really, truly stinks.
For those of you that are wondering, yes, I am on medication and under a doctor’s care. I was even in an outpatient hospital program earlier this year. But it looks like Allah SWT has decided to test me with yet another bout of depression, and I wonder: when will it end? Will it ever end?
This is where I can choose to glorify Allah SWT or emit a silent scream of anger and frustration. There must be a reason why I’ve been chosen to tread this path…there must, there must. I know that Allah SWT only tests the ones that He loves, in order to bring us ever-closer to Him. I also know that the shaytan only harasses the people of faith, because they are the ones that have something to lose. I’m painfully aware that life is not meant to be easy and that my situation could be much, much worse. But sometimes…well, it just hurts so darn much.
My husband, patient soul that he is, continually reminds me to beg to Allah SWT, to plead to Allah SWT, to cry to Allah SWT, to pray without ceasing–asking Him to forgive me, have mercy on me, and insha-Allah to take my pain away. When I was wrapped up in my bed yesterday, crying, it came to me that surely Allah SWT would never turn His back on my cry or ignore my pain. I simply refuse to believe that, as loving and merciful as Allah Almighty is. And again, I have a choice: to glorify Him (in spite of the pain) or emit that silent scream. If Allah SWT has brought me to this dark place, surely He can lift me out.
Allah SWT, Allah SWT, Allah SWT. I love You so much and want to be a good Muslimah, a devoted sister walking the Straight Path. I want to wake up in the morning thankful for another precious day with You and go to bed praising You for the gift of yet another 24 hours. I want to look out of my window and say “Alhumdulillah!” instead of crying, “Subhanallah!” without sobbing. I want to look around my world and fully appreciate all of the wonderful gifts You have given me and continue to give me. Allah SWT, I’m not asking for gold or diamonds or a Mercedes-Benz or a mansion or riches beyind compare…I just want to feel normal again.
I don’t know when this test will end, if it ever will end. But all I can do is keep making du’a, knowing that Allah SWT counts every tear that I shed. I’m just really, really tired of shedding them right now.
My love to all of you,
Noor🙂 (trying to smile anyway)