Noor's life on the path to Jannah

You are getting sleeeepy….

In Uncategorized on June 1, 2009 at 10:24 pm

Salaams to all of my dear sisters,

Here I am, half-dazed on an early Monday evening. …at least, it sure feels that way. My hypnosis CD arrived in today’s mail and I listened to it for the first time about an hour ago. It was….uh…interesting, to say the least. By the time it was over, I felt like I was floating about one foot off of the bed. You’re listening to all of these commands telling you to “simply relax…that’s right…just relax” and it’s resonating in your left ear, then your right ear, then BOTH ears–I kept drifting off and hoping that soon these suggestions will be permanently attaching themselves to my brain, since I am desperate to try anything at this point.

For those of you who didn’t read my earlier post, this hypnosis CD is for weight loss, a very profound and painful issue in my life right now. The weight has crept on to a level where it is now affecting my physical health almost as badly as it is affecting the emotional side of things. I suppose you can call me “obese,” as much as I detest that word. I literally have no other frame of reference in my life other than being overweight–even my photos as a toddler make me look like a baby butterball–and I hate it. I really, REALLY hate it. I turn to food when I feel bad and it’s like trying to put a band-aid on a broken leg, or pouring water into a bucket with bullet holes in it. Simply put, the food doesn’t work.

You would think that after three years of being a Muslim I would have acquired enough iman to understand that Allah SWT is truly the healer of all ills and that if I only make dua, dua, dua….lots of dua….I will get the help I need to surmount this mountain of flesh. But I haven’t gotten there yet. I turn to pills, gimmicks, potions and lotions, and the latest diets that all scream at you in the bookstores as “THE LAST DIET YOU’LL EVER NEED!” Astaghfirallah, I am even thinking of taking black seed oil, not because it is such a wonderful sunnah, but because I hope against hope that since it is a “cure for everything against death” that it’ll cure my obesity too.

In my darkest hours, I rant and rave and shake my fists against Allah SWT, like a baby lashing out in anger against his mother. I see sisters, sleek, beautiful sisters all aglow in their lovely abayas and long, flowing skirts, and the jealousy and envy fills my mouth with bitter bile. I see people running by my house every day as I am once again reminded that I can barely walk around the block without gasping for breath.  I am reminded of my dad, who died of a heart attack at the age of 33 (33 years old!) and wonder if there is a faltering, diseased time bomb under my left breastbone (although I must say that I got an EKG last October and it was normal, alhumdulillah.) You would think that I would harness all of this maladaptive, incredibly destructive anger and channel it into DOING SOMETHING. But I don’t. I run to the macaroni and cheese, the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the hummus and pita. My friends.

There must be a meaning to all of this. THERE MUST. There must be a reason why Allah SWT has chosen to test me this way. Oh, I can hear you now: “She’s just feeling sorry for herself.”  “She’s lazy.” “How can she be such a slob?” “At least it isn’t cancer.” “How disgusting!” I understand, I really do, and I wouldn’t blame you for having those thoughts. But if I had found something that worked, I would have done it by now. Why, oh why, is Allah SWT holding out on me? Why, when I need him the most?

I even considered the gastric bypass, but when I met the woman who had the procedure only to vomit  after every time she consumes more than a teaspoon of food, I canceled my surgery date.

Ya know, when I started this blog I was determined that it would remain positive. And I’m not going to let that vision go. Despite my frustration, despite my pain, despite my not being able to do a million little things, despite my having to pray in a chair because I can’t do sajda–I remain convinced that Allah SWT is the healer, and that when the time is right, He will show me a way out of this nightmare. Maybe it’s the gentle coaxing voice of a hypnosis CD–maybe it’s not. Maybe black seed oil really will help–or maybe it won’t make a darn bit of difference. It doesn’t matter. Only Allah SWT does.

Maybe the way out is simply by writing about it, and getting all of that hurt out into cyberspace, where I can throw it away like so much useless garbage. Maybe the key to the door of my fat jail is contained within the keys of my keyboard.

Maybe now, now that I’ve looked my pain straight in the face and dared to write about it to a bunch of “strangers,” I can finally let it go. Maybe now I can cast my hurt and anger away and let Allah SWT’s healing, sustaining Noor into my heart for a change. Maybe now I can finally stop shaking a closed fist at Allah SWT and embrace His infinite love and mercy with open arms.

Maybe now I can dare to hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel; not all tests last a lifetime.

Just maybe.

JazakAllah Khair for reading this,

Noor

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  1. As Salaamu Alaikum Dear Noor:

    Oh, my dear sweet sister. I know you will be patient until Allah (swt) changes your situation. And He will! When I say be patient, I mean be willing to give your healing the time in requires. Anyhow, losing weight slowly is more healthy. If you can’t walk around the block, start by walking just a little. Each day, go a few steps further. There are some blogs by Muslim sisters who support each other in weight loss. Maybe you can hook up with them for further support and encouragement. Do you read any? If not, let me know and I will try to find you links, Insha Allah. Also, make an appointment with the surgeon again and speak to him of your concerns.

  2. Salam Alaikum
    Sister, get out of my head!! We have so much in common. I don’t have any answers. For me its a lack of will power I know. Food especially sweets are like an addiction to me. Make dua for us all inshallah.

  3. Assalamu alaikum wr wb

    Sis, it’s ok that’s what this blog is for, or what blogs in general are for. They’re for you to write about anything that’s on your mind. Rather than it staying inside trapped, you can feel free to express yourself whether it’s positive or not, still better to express it through your lob.
    Insha’Allah you’ll get through this, with the motivation and intention to try your best.

  4. Assalamu Alaikum,

    Hope is light and life. Allah(SWT) says in Quran, that he will not put a burden on a person which he/she cannot bear. Allah’s (SWT)word is a line on a stone and there is no doubt about it. He says he love those who are patient Inshallah, Allah(SWT) will remove all your difficulty or difficuties but the condition is the same be patient and be obedient to Allah (SWT) all the time. May Allah (SWT) bless you for your good inspirational writing that way you are sharing your experience and pain it has two fold effects 1) you will feel that the burden has been lifted and 2) someone will read that and would be gratedful that atleast he/she is not going through what you. And than people can always contribute some positive ideas story it is a cycle which has to start when it starts rolling it will lead to the solution. Hence hope is life and life is entrusted to us by All mighty Allah(SWT) and our mission is to get his attention, mercey, blessings, protection, guidence etc that should be our focus and goal(eman) as long as this is our focus and goal(eman) he will bless us as he never backs out of his words. I wish you all the best for sucess. Ameen

  5. Assalamu Alaikum Sister

    What is the CD that you purchased? I would recommend Paul McKenna’s. If you view my website you will see why. Its not a diet book alhumdullilah.

    I pray Allah makes this goal easy for you. It feels strange that I just happened to stumble across this today given the work that I do.

    I can see how important this goal is and I hope you can use that motivation to help you to keep moving forward.

    We are blessed. We have the deen. Keep going sis you an inspiration.

    Wassalam

    Sister Farzana

  6. Assalamu alaikom,
    I think many of us have this sort of issue, bad habits or something destructive that we do that we can’t seem to get away from. Oh, to be one of those people who have been blessed with strong will power!!! heh I wish you well.

  7. Salamualaikum,

    I happened to stumbled across ur blog. I felt like crying reading ur entry. I feel that I can relate to u. I might not be obese but what I have is something that eats me up all the time. I did exactly what u did, let Allah do all the healing. It might take forever to heal that but at the end of the day it is Allah who welcomes u no matter what. All the best to u sister…

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