Noor's life on the path to Jannah

It’s been three years, and what can I say?

In Uncategorized on June 3, 2009 at 12:19 am

Hello and salaams to everyone,

Three years ago I took shahada on this date. I have been debating all day about what to write regarding this very auspicious day. Strangely enough, I don’t have much to say (which is a rarity for me, LOL!) and for some stranger reason I feel guilty because of it. I have read so many convert stories where sisters have told how their lives have changed drastically, how they are on this wonderful spiritual path of love and light and understanding, and that’s just not the way it’s been for me.

Maybe it’s because I am a very, very imperfect kind of Muslim.  I know some of you out there are saying that we are ALL imperfect Muslims. Well, that’s true, but I seem to be more imperfect than most. I still poke myself with hijab pins as the scarves slip off my head, I haven’t fasted through one whole Ramadan, I’ve never given zakat, I stumble over my prayers, and the idea of my doing Hajj or even Umrah–with my sabr deficiency!–seems like an impossible prospect. I still listen to music (and they aren’t nasheeds), watch COPS devotedly every Saturday night, and even sneak a McDonald’s hamburger on occasion, just out of sheer laziness.  And forget about waking up on time for Fajr.

I get mad (astaghfirallah) at Allah SWT sometimes, as futile of an effort as that is, and there are times when waswasa consumes me from morning til night. I get sloppy about my wudu and forget to say “Bismillah” before dinner is served. Sometimes I’ll sneak out to the mailbox without wearing hijab, and masjid visits? I can count on both hands how many times I’ve been to the masjid in the last three years and still have fingers left.

The list is long, sisters–very long.

Allah SWT gave me the strength to wear hijab about a month after I took shahada. Think there would be any exciting drama there? Think again. I very rarely catch people staring at me, and the one and only time I was openly “persecuted” was when I was in line at the DMV, waiting for my new driver’s license. I turned around to see an ancient man, precariously perched on a cane, staring at me with the look of the most poisonous,vile, disgusting hate I have ever seen on a human face. His mouth was moving awkwardly, as if the words he wanted to say were so bitter that he could not even utter them aloud. And thank God he didn’t, or else I would have kicked the cane out from under him. (OK, well, I wouldn’t, but I sure wanted to, astaghfirallah.) Our eyes met and held for a few long seconds, then, reluctantly, the man averted his eyes.

I guess I really had quite a bit to say after all. Funny, when I took shahada (which made President Obama’s swearing-in look flawless in comparison) in a shaykh’s office in a madrassa in Cerritos, California, I expected the skies to open up, the angels to burst into songs of praise, and lightning to strike and flash throughout the heavens. I mean, I LITERALLY expected this to happen, or something similar. When the shaykh told me that I was now as a newborn baby, with all of my prior sins and transgressions wiped clean, I sure as heck didn’t FEEL like one. All I could think of was why I didn’t feel any different and if this “wipeout” included my lousy credit rating as well. (Ah well…one can dream, can’t they?)

As for the two Noble Writers that were assigned to me three years ago,  I know that my left-side angel must have been working overtime since then, while my right-side angel’s pen has probably stuttered into silence.

OK, this is bordering on cynicism, so I’ll stop here.

Sometimes I wonder why Allah SWT still wants me. Yeah, I know that sounds pathetic, and I don’t mean it to be. It’s just that sometimes I’m the nice, pious, Allah SWT-fearing Noor, but most of the time I’m the painfully imperfect Michelle. There must be a reason why I’m still around after three years….well, I know why. Because Islam is THE TRUTH, and in spite of my many, many mistakes and ridiculous laziness and extreme imperfection, I can still go to bed at night knowing that Allah SWT is my Lord and that Our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) is His Final Messenger. I also know that–subhanallah!–Allah SWT’s mercy is greater than His wrath and in spite of my mistakes I have a fair chance of being forgiven if I truly repent for what I have done. And I do…over and over and over again.

I see myself falling at least a million times in the future, but with Allah’s infinite mercy and forgiveness to lift me up, I know that I can keep on walking on the path to Jannah, one step at a time. And maybe I’ll get my right-side angel to write a little more often so my left-side angel can catch a break for a change.

Islam…for me, it’s gonna be forever.

Blessings and du’as to all,

Noor 🙂

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  1. Assalamu alaikom,
    You said: “Islam is THE TRUTH, and in spite of my many, many mistakes and ridiculous laziness and extreme imperfection, I can still go to bed at night knowing that Allah SWT is my Lord and that Our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) is His Final Messenger. I also know that–subhanallah!–Allah SWT’s mercy is greater than His wrath”

    I just had to quote that and read it once more. So, so true. You put into words what I feel inside my heart (both the awe and the embarrassment!)

  2. Sister!

    What do you live for right now? As Muslims we have to live for Allah, to forget about our “selves” and do everything we do for Allah. This is what submission means. You shouldn’t expect to go farther if you still haven’t taken this first step.

  3. Mashallah, thank you for the honesty. I still 5 years post conversion struggle with some of the things you write about. Inshallah, the above coment was meant to be naseeha, although it sounded a little harsh. Focus on the simple things.

    A man asked the messenger of Allah :
    “Do you think that if I perform the obligatory prayers, fast in Ramadan, treat as lawful that which is lawful and treat as forbidden that which is forbidden, and do nothing further, I shall enter Paradise ?”
    He said: “Yes.”
    Related by Muslim
    An-Nawawi #22

    BTW, once again your post made me laugh “when I took shahada (which made President Obama’s swearing-in look flawless in comparison)…” LMAO. Much love sister

  4. Congratulations on your 3 year shahadavirsary? I really liked this post. We are all trying and struggling. May Allah help us all!

  5. Dear Noor
    congratulations.I love you for the love of Allah.
    I am born Muslim,and since being a child I loved Allah alhamdullilah,I used to cry since very young age just to listen to the Qur’an.However,we are not perfect,no one is, apart from our beloved Prophet Muhammad.
    If we stopped making mistakes and became perfect,[theoretically],Prophet Muhammad said that Allah would have replaced us with others who make mistakes,then repent and ask for forgiveness. And the best example is the story of Adam when he and his wife entered the garden,Adam forgot the order and was lured by shaytan,but followed it by feeling ashamed and sorry,then repented and Allah forgave them.Opposite to that is the shaytan who arrogantly challenged the divine order with no shame,sorrow or the intention to be obedient.

    so the idea is not being perfect,no one can, but rather being mindful of Allah and returning back to him. in other words, trying to be good.

    Thanks for your lovely post,may Allah bless you

  6. We’re all imperfect, but that’s the journey that we’re all on together. It’s baby steps for your whole life, inshallah. Allah (swt) is most pleased with little effort each day — it’s the consistency that is pleasing to Him. I say you should give Sadaqah to celebrate your shahadah — after all, Allah (swt) was the one that guided you. Maybe do some extra salah or dhikr today, and write about how you became a Muslim — everyone loves those stories:)Oh, and get ice cream — I think it’s good for the soul:)

  7. Assalamu alaikum wr wb

    I just wanted to say mabrouk on the 3 year anniversary of your shahadah.

    I also wanted to mention that it is true that Islam is the Truth, and Allah tests us in many ways, the good and the bad, the ups and downs and we’ve all wondered why, and soon it comes to us why.

    I can be like the rest of the world or a quarter of the world and not wonder why, just living life to as much as it can offer, and living it to the fullest. Or find logic within reasoning or should it be reasoning within logic. But, what I mean is that it’s good we can discuss these matters, as it shows us how imperfect we are, and no one is perfect, and we can all strive for Allah swt and pray/hope for the best in the end.

  8. Mabrook on the 3 years. It makes me feel “normal” to read this post… We are not perfect and we can only try and do our best.

  9. Salaams Dear:

    Mabrook on this important day!

  10. Asalamu alaykum dear sister Noor

    Allah, The Most Hight has chosen “you”…He could’ve chosen any one else, but He chose you. You may deem yourself more imperfect than the rest, but then, each of us think we’re the lowest!

    You may be sneaking a burger or two, you may be watching TV, and listening to music, etc..but the thing to be glad about is… ALHAMDULILLAH, you do realize you’re doing something wrong! That is Allah’s Mercy, isn’t it!!! This realization in itself is a Blessing…SubhanAllah!

    Many a times we stumble but then Glory be to Him! He lifts us up…and our Imaan is renewed!

    May Allah, The Most Merciful, Always Love you and be pleased with you, AMeen.

    Salaam Alaykum!
    Nadia

  11. i know about this dilemma, although i have been born muslim but all the time i struggle to be a better muslim, everyday before i go to sleep, i make promises that the next day i ll be better but it does not happen sometimes.
    recently, it came to my mind that we make it harsh on ourselves by thinking that we will go to hell for our deeds but this is not the case inshaallah, in our religion there are a lot of ways to heaven and most important one the prayers.
    u know how, Our prohpet PBUH said that the prayes is main pillar of islam, whoever performed it, then he porformed the whole religion.
    also He said PBUH that whoever prayes the fajr and Al Asr is going to Heaven “inshaa Allah”
    so why not to try to perfect ur prayers first, and inshaa Allah everything will be perefect too or near it.
    Be sure that Allah loves u that is why He guide u to be a muslim

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