Noor's life on the path to Jannah

A sister’s tears

In Uncategorized on June 7, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Salaams dear sisters,

First and foremost, I want to tell everyone how sorry I am for not keeping up with my daily entries. I’ve been struggling with the depression thing again for the last few days, and for anyone who’s suffered from it, you know how debilitating it is. As much as I love this blog and hearing from all of you lovely sisters (a lot!!!) when I feel this bad I just want to lay down on the couch or in bed and just beg Allah SWT to forgive me for whatever I’ve done to deserve such a punishment. And that’s another reason why I haven’t written, because I promised myself that this would be a blog glorifying Allah SWT, and if I cannot glorify Him, then I wouldn’t write anything at all.

What stinks about depression is how everything turns gray: your freshly-ground cup of coffee tastes like mud, the chirping of the birds sound tinny and canned, and even the little annoyances in life become huge detractors. Your eyes burn from crying and you feel like you’re never going to smile again. When things get REALLY bad, you wrap yourself up, cocoon-like, in bed and stay there for hours at a time. You either stop eating or overeat, depending on how you’re wired, and just the mere thought of washing or brushing your teeth or doing all of that personal hygeine stuff falls by the wayside…using water, soap, deodorant, and a toothbrush just seems impossible.

The way you feel about yourself during an episode is really sad: everyone in this world is more intelligent than you, more attractive than you, more successsful than you, more anything than you. You feel like the worst person in the world and that there’s no hope for you at all, not now, not ever. You look in the mirror and hate what you see so much that eventually you don’t have the guts to look in the mirror anymore.

Depression stinks, ladies. It really, truly stinks.

For those of you that are wondering, yes, I am on medication and under a doctor’s care. I was even in an outpatient hospital program earlier this year. But it looks like Allah SWT has decided to test me with yet another bout of depression, and I wonder: when will it end? Will it ever end?

This is where I can choose to glorify Allah SWT or emit a silent scream of anger and frustration. There must be a reason why I’ve been chosen to tread this path…there must, there must. I know that Allah SWT only tests the ones that He loves, in order to bring us ever-closer to Him. I also know that the shaytan only harasses the people of faith, because they are the ones that have something to lose. I’m painfully aware that life is not meant to be easy and that my situation could be much, much worse. But sometimes…well, it just hurts so darn much.

My husband, patient soul that he is, continually reminds me to beg to Allah SWT, to plead to Allah SWT, to cry to Allah SWT, to pray without ceasing–asking Him to forgive me, have mercy on me, and insha-Allah to take my pain away. When I was wrapped up in my bed yesterday, crying, it came to me that surely Allah SWT would never turn His back on my cry or ignore my pain. I simply refuse to believe that, as loving and merciful as Allah Almighty is. And again, I have a choice: to glorify Him (in spite of the pain) or emit that silent scream. If Allah SWT has brought me to this dark place, surely He can lift me out.

Allah SWT, Allah SWT, Allah SWT. I love You so much and want to be a good Muslimah, a devoted sister walking the Straight Path. I want to wake up in the morning thankful for another precious day with You and go to bed praising You for the gift of yet another 24 hours. I want to look out of my window and say “Alhumdulillah!” instead of crying, “Subhanallah!” without sobbing. I want to look around my world and fully appreciate all of the wonderful gifts You have given me and continue to give me. Allah SWT, I’m not asking for gold or diamonds or a Mercedes-Benz or a mansion or riches beyind compare…I just want to feel normal again.

I don’t know when this test will end, if it ever will end. But all I can do is keep making du’a, knowing that Allah SWT counts every tear that I shed. I’m just really, really tired of shedding them right now.

My love to all of you,

Noor 🙂 (trying to smile anyway)

  1. Oh sis hugs to you. I just had this feeling that something like that was going on. You know what, I’ve been mildly depressed this week too. Whenever the weather gets warm I just want to stay inside my cool house and stay in bed. I feel you 100% when it comes to depression. My depressin at times has been pretty bad. Right now I’ll call it mild. Inshallah it’ll stay like that. but I understand…for me it’s a vicous cycle…the more I stay in bed and do nothing…the more i feel guilty for being so worthless and getting nothing accomplished…and then I’m even more depressed. I also believe for me it’s 100% chemical although sometimes triggered by stress. I literally have nothing to be depresses about, but yet sometimes I still am, I’m still in the darkest place and can’t get out. Be sure and call your doctor, maybe he/she can up your meds or try something different. Please email me or drop by my blog if you want to talk more. Do you do facebook? We could pm there too, although I know you prob. don’t feel like talking alot of the time.

  2. assalamu alaikum wr wb

    you know sis, just wanted to let you know that mainly a lot of women go through their ups and downs and whenever we’re feeling down, it’s really hard to express ourselves when we’re feeling as if we’re nothing floating away on a cloud of nothingness.

    I’ve felt that numerous of times and yet have always managed to snap myself out of it. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel like that sometimes, when you feel like crying, or just not in the mood to really do anything. It’s like your body is shutting down, going on a temporary strike and it’s ok.

    Just as long as you know that, and can have that motivation and inspiration/intention to get out of it, you can insha’Allah.

    I agree, if you have facebook, you can add me on, I’ll have to mail you my contact name to find me.

  3. As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister.
    I used to get depressed when I lost the drive to work toward a goal. This also happens when people reach their goals then stop seeing ahead.

    But as Muslims, we always have a goal. Either by learning about Islam to become strong and knowledgeable enough to call others to it, or by calling others to it.

    Set some short-term goals (like learning Arabic, reading books about Islam, etc) and some long-term goals (helping lots of people learn about Islam, getting into Jannah).

    With Akhira in your mind, whatever you do now feels fun to do, no matter how hard.

    May Allah bless you.

  4. Dear Noor, we all feel sometimes similar feelings.
    If you listen to a Qur’an recitation of, for example, surah 55 or any part of the Qur’an, while you read its translation, this could clam you down insha Allah. if you read verses telling about Jannah and what awaits its dwellers, and read about Allah’s mercy and love this might help insha Allah.
    When you read the life of the prophet, may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him, you realise how he suffered a lot; he tasted the loss of many of his beloved ones, like his parents at very young age, losing khadija and his uncle when life was really tough, he also lost three of his daughters and all his sons and few of his grand-children, yet Allah’s love encompassed him. And his tongue and heart never stopped to praise and thank Allah. And whenevr the time for prayer comes, he used to hurry happily to communicate in prayer to express his greatest love Allah.

    My very dear daughter in Islam Noor, if you can pray a lot during such hard time, I am sure that it will be of great help. this is because Allah told us in the Qur’an in several verses to seek support through prayer (salah) and patience sabr , and He promised to be with those who are patient.

    trans verse 153, chapter 2: “You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for Allah is with steadfast”.

    Dear Noor, being exposed to trials is something like purifying gold through using high temperature, thus we get rid of the impurities and get the gold in its purest form.

    May Allah bless you relieve your sufferings.

  5. I hope you are able to get over this hardship… I can’t say I understand depression very well, but I am trying since my husband seems to be affected by it. It is hard for me to watch that and to suffer from his episodes, but I know that this part of the problems we face are not his fault and that it’s very difficult for him. I sometimes need a bit of reminding though, like from this post… I may show it to him, since he needs this type of encouragement and support.

  6. Oh, sister. I understand your pain. I really do. Recently, I started having bouts of depression and it was awful. What was so odd is that it came out of nowhere. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I recently (a few months ago) weaned my son. Maybe my hormones are shifting. I dunno. But I have my two children to take care of and I was feeling so depressed (debilitating, indeed). I couldn’t keep up with them and that only made it worse because I was feeling so guilty. I’ve had two episodes and I’m praying I don’t have another one. Ya Rub! Anyway, you seem very strong, sister and you’re getting help. Insha’Allah, you will learn more and more how to manage the depression. You are in my dua!

  7. Assalamualaikum..

    My sister in ISlam may Allah subhanota’la help you and elevate your status in JAnnah…

    i hope you wouldn’t mind..but what are the reasons for going into depression?

    JazakAllah khair.

  8. Assalaam Alaikum,

    Hi habibty! Don’t worry about answering this, but I wondered if this was post-partum depression or just regular?

    I also was not formally diagnosed, but my psychiatrist said I have a few symptoms of borderline personality. I wonder where it will end and how to feel better. Is the medicine helping you? My mom takes Paxil and it numbs her emotionally so much. I am praying for you, that it gets easier.

    I am SO glad you are getting out-patient therapy. Walahi I am clapping because getting help is sometimes hard if you feel ashamed. You are a wonderful success story sweetie and keep your head up! I understand how you feel aas I lost my depressed grandmother to suicide and know how it batters the brain, our most important organ. love you!

  9. I hope things are going better for you… Post a new entry when you get a chance.

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