Noor's life on the path to Jannah

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

A sister’s tears

In Uncategorized on June 7, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Salaams dear sisters,

First and foremost, I want to tell everyone how sorry I am for not keeping up with my daily entries. I’ve been struggling with the depression thing again for the last few days, and for anyone who’s suffered from it, you know how debilitating it is. As much as I love this blog and hearing from all of you lovely sisters (a lot!!!) when I feel this bad I just want to lay down on the couch or in bed and just beg Allah SWT to forgive me for whatever I’ve done to deserve such a punishment. And that’s another reason why I haven’t written, because I promised myself that this would be a blog glorifying Allah SWT, and if I cannot glorify Him, then I wouldn’t write anything at all.

What stinks about depression is how everything turns gray: your freshly-ground cup of coffee tastes like mud, the chirping of the birds sound tinny and canned, and even the little annoyances in life become huge detractors. Your eyes burn from crying and you feel like you’re never going to smile again. When things get REALLY bad, you wrap yourself up, cocoon-like, in bed and stay there for hours at a time. You either stop eating or overeat, depending on how you’re wired, and just the mere thought of washing or brushing your teeth or doing all of that personal hygeine stuff falls by the wayside…using water, soap, deodorant, and a toothbrush just seems impossible.

The way you feel about yourself during an episode is really sad: everyone in this world is more intelligent than you, more attractive than you, more successsful than you, more anything than you. You feel like the worst person in the world and that there’s no hope for you at all, not now, not ever. You look in the mirror and hate what you see so much that eventually you don’t have the guts to look in the mirror anymore.

Depression stinks, ladies. It really, truly stinks.

For those of you that are wondering, yes, I am on medication and under a doctor’s care. I was even in an outpatient hospital program earlier this year. But it looks like Allah SWT has decided to test me with yet another bout of depression, and I wonder: when will it end? Will it ever end?

This is where I can choose to glorify Allah SWT or emit a silent scream of anger and frustration. There must be a reason why I’ve been chosen to tread this path…there must, there must. I know that Allah SWT only tests the ones that He loves, in order to bring us ever-closer to Him. I also know that the shaytan only harasses the people of faith, because they are the ones that have something to lose. I’m painfully aware that life is not meant to be easy and that my situation could be much, much worse. But sometimes…well, it just hurts so darn much.

My husband, patient soul that he is, continually reminds me to beg to Allah SWT, to plead to Allah SWT, to cry to Allah SWT, to pray without ceasing–asking Him to forgive me, have mercy on me, and insha-Allah to take my pain away. When I was wrapped up in my bed yesterday, crying, it came to me that surely Allah SWT would never turn His back on my cry or ignore my pain. I simply refuse to believe that, as loving and merciful as Allah Almighty is. And again, I have a choice: to glorify Him (in spite of the pain) or emit that silent scream. If Allah SWT has brought me to this dark place, surely He can lift me out.

Allah SWT, Allah SWT, Allah SWT. I love You so much and want to be a good Muslimah, a devoted sister walking the Straight Path. I want to wake up in the morning thankful for another precious day with You and go to bed praising You for the gift of yet another 24 hours. I want to look out of my window and say “Alhumdulillah!” instead of crying, “Subhanallah!” without sobbing. I want to look around my world and fully appreciate all of the wonderful gifts You have given me and continue to give me. Allah SWT, I’m not asking for gold or diamonds or a Mercedes-Benz or a mansion or riches beyind compare…I just want to feel normal again.

I don’t know when this test will end, if it ever will end. But all I can do is keep making du’a, knowing that Allah SWT counts every tear that I shed. I’m just really, really tired of shedding them right now.

My love to all of you,

Noor 🙂 (trying to smile anyway)


It’s halal, it’s fun, it’s my addiction!

In Uncategorized on June 4, 2009 at 10:41 pm

Assalamu Aleikum everyone,

Arrrrgghh! I don’t know I about you, but I cannot STAND three-quarter length sleeve shirts. I don’t know who started that trend, but I’d like to give him or her a piece of my mind! Then why am I wearing one, right? Well, a few weeks ago at a yard sale I got a huge (and I mean HUGE; this box was about four feet tall!) container, stuffed to bursting–of clothes for only $10 (which amounts to pennies per piece–alhumdulillah and yay for me!) and there were a few 3/4 sleeve knit shirts in the mix. I figured what the heck, I’ll wear them around the house. Well, they’re driving me nuts! The sleeves keep scooching up and I keep pulling them down, only to find them scooching up again and making me feel like I’m wearing something that shrunk. Very frustrating.

The public is going to be surprised to see me this summer wearing all of these blouses with harvest themes and pumpkin appliques on them, which is what I also found in the box. I could put them away for fall, I guess. Perhaps I should. I’m not a very trendy Muslimah, I guess. Truth be told, sisters, I see all of your cool polyvore collages and I envy you for your fashion sense. As for me, I have two criteria:

1. Does it fit? and:

2. Can I get it for $1 or less at a yard sale? 🙂

Yes, that’s right…the yard sales have spoiled me. BAD. Even shelling out $15-20 for a blouse or pants at my local discount store is a huge indulgence for me, as I’m always finding stuff for pennies on the dollar in somebody’s driveway. Yard sales really warp your thinking about what one considers to be a good value and what is not. As much as I love those polyvore ideas, I shudder to think at how much it must cost to assemble an outfit.

Ya know, I was wondering if I should write about the whole yard sale thing again. I know that I already wrote about last Saturday’s “haul” and I thought that you might get sick of it or think that I was boasting about how much cool stuff I got for so cheap. I hope you don’t feel that way….if you do, I apologize.  It’s just that my hubby and I are on a tight budget (who isn’t?) and in the time we’ve been yard saling, it’s amazing what Allah SWT has blessed us with. In fact, I think we say more “alhumdulillahs” and “subhanallahs” on Saturday mornings than any other time of the week, LOL. It’s a little sad, in a way–people buy stuff at full price and end up selling it for practically nothing. We have found so much great stuff that I really wonder why everyone doesn’t shop this way. It involves getting up early in the morning (the good stuff is generally all picked over by 10am, so we hit the road by 7:30am at the latest!) and a skilled use of your GPS (which we also found at a yard sale!) and Mapquest, but it’s so much fun, sisters, it really is. Believe it or not, it’s strengthened our marriage, too. Hubby and I have a blast as we pour steaming travel mugs of chai masala, set up the GPS, make sure we have plenty of $1 bills, and away we go.

Of coure, all of this fun and acquisition of our “treasures” cannot be remotely possible without the generosity of Allah SWT. It’s amazing how He seems to lead us to just the right houses that have exactly what we need. Coincidence? I think not. Allah SWT has been so kind to us. Every time we see or use something that Allah SWT has provided us at a yard sale, it’s another opportunity to praise Him and remember that His bounty is never-ending and unceasing. Alhumdulillah!

OK, this is the second yard sale post in one week and maybe I should stop writing about my “addiction,” LOL.  It’s just that every weekend I am so amazed at what Allah SWT gives to us, and that spills over into the rest of my week. I see more of His abundance Monday through Friday thanks to what I see on Saturday, and it’s not all material stuff, either.  I don’t think there’s any way we Muslimahs can write too much about Allah’s generosity, or thank Him too much for all that He blesses us with, both material and otherwise.

The only little problem I have is that I’d like to make an effort to dress more Islamically, and you can forget about finding abayas, jilbab, or shalwar kameez at a yard sale (although I have found some nice scarves.) InshaAllah, when the time is right, Allah will give me the risq to shop at Shukr and all of those other cool Islamic stores…and who knows, maybe I’ll assemble a few polyvore ensembles of my own! (A sister can dream, can’t she?)

 As always, thanks from the bottom of my heart for reading, and the next time you see a yard sale in your neighborhood, GO FOR IT! 🙂

Much love,


Is the curry too spicy tonight? (And why should I care?)

In Uncategorized on June 3, 2009 at 11:18 pm

Hello and salaams to everyone,

First of all, I want to thank everyone that has been taking the time to visit and comment on my blog. I sincerely hope that you enjoy your time here. Please remember that the door is always open and that I love to hear from you–it brightens my day in ways that you simply cannot imagine. 🙂

My mood right now is just a wee bit worried….OK, a LOT worried.  I made channa dal (curried chickpeas) tonight and I think that I added too much masala (spice) into the recipe. My hubby is on his way home from work right now and I’m afraid he won’t like it. Maybe that seems like an extremely petty fear, but I love my husband dearly and I want him to be happy with the meals I serve him after his long workday. Let’s hope he’s in the mood for five-alarm dal tonight!

This little culinary error has got me thinking about just how much I do worry, and I how I don’t turn to Allah SWT nearly enough to help me surmount it. My husband’s uncle (we call him “Mamoo”) is one of the calmest, most serene persons I know. He has a job that most would scoff at as “menial” and really doesn’t make much of an impact upon the world from the dunya’s perspective. But Mamoo has a calming personality and piousness that only comes from long hours spent in study and on the prayer rug. He never worries about where his next meal is coming from or whether he’ll be laid off soon or how he’s going to support his sons, both of which live with him. Mamoo not only does the minimum of what a Muslim is expected to do, he surpasses it, and is it really any surprise that Allah SWT has blessed him with a steady provision?

Let’s remember that when we we were born, Allah SWT in His infinite wisdom assigned us our provision, and we can never, ever have that taken away from us. You cannot add to it or subtract from it. Umar Ibin Al Khattab narrated that he heard Allah’s Messenger say, “If you were to trust in Allah SWT genuinely, He would give you provision as He does for the birds which go out hungry in the morning and come back full in the evening.” If Allah SWT can provide for the birds, why should we worry that He won’t provide for us?

When I talk to the people who live their lives for Allah SWT (as opposed to people like me, who are still caught in the quicksand of the dunya), one of the most important “vibes” that resonate from them (ok, pathetic word, but I couldn’t think of another) is their profound sense of peace. They know that their risq is written for them, and they also know that what Allah SWT has decreed for them, they will receive. I wish I had that level of iman.

It’s all about submission and acceptance of the Unseen. There is so much going on in the Unseen, things that we cannot possibly fathom or understand. Even though we can’t see what’s going on ON THE SURFACE at this very moment, we can still choose to trust and have faith in Allah SWT. It is so easy to analyze things to death and let logic take over when one is worried about the outcome of something. Don’t be fooled. Think about what’s going on under the surface instead, and just let your life unfold.

I’m laughing at myself right now because I’m not prone to take my own advice as an incredible worrywart, but I think I’ve learned my lesson. Before I took shahada, I went to every astrologer, palm reader, psychic, and tarot-card carrying charlatan in town (astaghfirallah!) I think it’s important to note that in spite of all the money I spent, and in spite of all the wasted hours I spent in cramped, incense-choked rooms getting my latest dose of snake oil, not one of any of my “psychic predictions” have ever come true. NOT ONE. The worst of these ripoff artists was a “Native American shaman” (and my apologies to any Native Americans who may be reading this) who claimed to be able to “channel” spirits from the hereafter. After impatiently waiting months for an appointment and coughing up way too much money, I was granted an audience with this nut. I had my “experience” and eagerly awaited spiritual enlightenment. The balloon burst like a shower of icy water in my face when I allowed a friend, who had also seen this man, to listen to the tape of my session–and her session was EXACTLY the same as mine! This guy just went through the same old spiel every time he saw someone! Gee, do you think Allah SWT was trying to tell me something?

Yeah, trust is hard, iman is hard, but we’ve gotta find it somewhere, and we’re not going to find it in a deck of tarot cards or in the lines of your palm.  It’s safe for us to let go, release our fear and simply BELIEVE and trust Allah Almighty, the One God with no equals or partners.  We will get so many blessings in return…so many rewards for pleasing Allah SWT. For that, isn’t it worth facing a doubt or two?

By the way, hubby just came home–and he LOVES the dal!

Take care my wonderful sisters,

Noor 🙂

It’s been three years, and what can I say?

In Uncategorized on June 3, 2009 at 12:19 am

Hello and salaams to everyone,

Three years ago I took shahada on this date. I have been debating all day about what to write regarding this very auspicious day. Strangely enough, I don’t have much to say (which is a rarity for me, LOL!) and for some stranger reason I feel guilty because of it. I have read so many convert stories where sisters have told how their lives have changed drastically, how they are on this wonderful spiritual path of love and light and understanding, and that’s just not the way it’s been for me.

Maybe it’s because I am a very, very imperfect kind of Muslim.  I know some of you out there are saying that we are ALL imperfect Muslims. Well, that’s true, but I seem to be more imperfect than most. I still poke myself with hijab pins as the scarves slip off my head, I haven’t fasted through one whole Ramadan, I’ve never given zakat, I stumble over my prayers, and the idea of my doing Hajj or even Umrah–with my sabr deficiency!–seems like an impossible prospect. I still listen to music (and they aren’t nasheeds), watch COPS devotedly every Saturday night, and even sneak a McDonald’s hamburger on occasion, just out of sheer laziness.  And forget about waking up on time for Fajr.

I get mad (astaghfirallah) at Allah SWT sometimes, as futile of an effort as that is, and there are times when waswasa consumes me from morning til night. I get sloppy about my wudu and forget to say “Bismillah” before dinner is served. Sometimes I’ll sneak out to the mailbox without wearing hijab, and masjid visits? I can count on both hands how many times I’ve been to the masjid in the last three years and still have fingers left.

The list is long, sisters–very long.

Allah SWT gave me the strength to wear hijab about a month after I took shahada. Think there would be any exciting drama there? Think again. I very rarely catch people staring at me, and the one and only time I was openly “persecuted” was when I was in line at the DMV, waiting for my new driver’s license. I turned around to see an ancient man, precariously perched on a cane, staring at me with the look of the most poisonous,vile, disgusting hate I have ever seen on a human face. His mouth was moving awkwardly, as if the words he wanted to say were so bitter that he could not even utter them aloud. And thank God he didn’t, or else I would have kicked the cane out from under him. (OK, well, I wouldn’t, but I sure wanted to, astaghfirallah.) Our eyes met and held for a few long seconds, then, reluctantly, the man averted his eyes.

I guess I really had quite a bit to say after all. Funny, when I took shahada (which made President Obama’s swearing-in look flawless in comparison) in a shaykh’s office in a madrassa in Cerritos, California, I expected the skies to open up, the angels to burst into songs of praise, and lightning to strike and flash throughout the heavens. I mean, I LITERALLY expected this to happen, or something similar. When the shaykh told me that I was now as a newborn baby, with all of my prior sins and transgressions wiped clean, I sure as heck didn’t FEEL like one. All I could think of was why I didn’t feel any different and if this “wipeout” included my lousy credit rating as well. (Ah well…one can dream, can’t they?)

As for the two Noble Writers that were assigned to me three years ago,  I know that my left-side angel must have been working overtime since then, while my right-side angel’s pen has probably stuttered into silence.

OK, this is bordering on cynicism, so I’ll stop here.

Sometimes I wonder why Allah SWT still wants me. Yeah, I know that sounds pathetic, and I don’t mean it to be. It’s just that sometimes I’m the nice, pious, Allah SWT-fearing Noor, but most of the time I’m the painfully imperfect Michelle. There must be a reason why I’m still around after three years….well, I know why. Because Islam is THE TRUTH, and in spite of my many, many mistakes and ridiculous laziness and extreme imperfection, I can still go to bed at night knowing that Allah SWT is my Lord and that Our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) is His Final Messenger. I also know that–subhanallah!–Allah SWT’s mercy is greater than His wrath and in spite of my mistakes I have a fair chance of being forgiven if I truly repent for what I have done. And I do…over and over and over again.

I see myself falling at least a million times in the future, but with Allah’s infinite mercy and forgiveness to lift me up, I know that I can keep on walking on the path to Jannah, one step at a time. And maybe I’ll get my right-side angel to write a little more often so my left-side angel can catch a break for a change.

Islam…for me, it’s gonna be forever.

Blessings and du’as to all,

Noor 🙂

You are getting sleeeepy….

In Uncategorized on June 1, 2009 at 10:24 pm

Salaams to all of my dear sisters,

Here I am, half-dazed on an early Monday evening. …at least, it sure feels that way. My hypnosis CD arrived in today’s mail and I listened to it for the first time about an hour ago. It was….uh…interesting, to say the least. By the time it was over, I felt like I was floating about one foot off of the bed. You’re listening to all of these commands telling you to “simply relax…that’s right…just relax” and it’s resonating in your left ear, then your right ear, then BOTH ears–I kept drifting off and hoping that soon these suggestions will be permanently attaching themselves to my brain, since I am desperate to try anything at this point.

For those of you who didn’t read my earlier post, this hypnosis CD is for weight loss, a very profound and painful issue in my life right now. The weight has crept on to a level where it is now affecting my physical health almost as badly as it is affecting the emotional side of things. I suppose you can call me “obese,” as much as I detest that word. I literally have no other frame of reference in my life other than being overweight–even my photos as a toddler make me look like a baby butterball–and I hate it. I really, REALLY hate it. I turn to food when I feel bad and it’s like trying to put a band-aid on a broken leg, or pouring water into a bucket with bullet holes in it. Simply put, the food doesn’t work.

You would think that after three years of being a Muslim I would have acquired enough iman to understand that Allah SWT is truly the healer of all ills and that if I only make dua, dua, dua….lots of dua….I will get the help I need to surmount this mountain of flesh. But I haven’t gotten there yet. I turn to pills, gimmicks, potions and lotions, and the latest diets that all scream at you in the bookstores as “THE LAST DIET YOU’LL EVER NEED!” Astaghfirallah, I am even thinking of taking black seed oil, not because it is such a wonderful sunnah, but because I hope against hope that since it is a “cure for everything against death” that it’ll cure my obesity too.

In my darkest hours, I rant and rave and shake my fists against Allah SWT, like a baby lashing out in anger against his mother. I see sisters, sleek, beautiful sisters all aglow in their lovely abayas and long, flowing skirts, and the jealousy and envy fills my mouth with bitter bile. I see people running by my house every day as I am once again reminded that I can barely walk around the block without gasping for breath.  I am reminded of my dad, who died of a heart attack at the age of 33 (33 years old!) and wonder if there is a faltering, diseased time bomb under my left breastbone (although I must say that I got an EKG last October and it was normal, alhumdulillah.) You would think that I would harness all of this maladaptive, incredibly destructive anger and channel it into DOING SOMETHING. But I don’t. I run to the macaroni and cheese, the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the hummus and pita. My friends.

There must be a meaning to all of this. THERE MUST. There must be a reason why Allah SWT has chosen to test me this way. Oh, I can hear you now: “She’s just feeling sorry for herself.”  “She’s lazy.” “How can she be such a slob?” “At least it isn’t cancer.” “How disgusting!” I understand, I really do, and I wouldn’t blame you for having those thoughts. But if I had found something that worked, I would have done it by now. Why, oh why, is Allah SWT holding out on me? Why, when I need him the most?

I even considered the gastric bypass, but when I met the woman who had the procedure only to vomit  after every time she consumes more than a teaspoon of food, I canceled my surgery date.

Ya know, when I started this blog I was determined that it would remain positive. And I’m not going to let that vision go. Despite my frustration, despite my pain, despite my not being able to do a million little things, despite my having to pray in a chair because I can’t do sajda–I remain convinced that Allah SWT is the healer, and that when the time is right, He will show me a way out of this nightmare. Maybe it’s the gentle coaxing voice of a hypnosis CD–maybe it’s not. Maybe black seed oil really will help–or maybe it won’t make a darn bit of difference. It doesn’t matter. Only Allah SWT does.

Maybe the way out is simply by writing about it, and getting all of that hurt out into cyberspace, where I can throw it away like so much useless garbage. Maybe the key to the door of my fat jail is contained within the keys of my keyboard.

Maybe now, now that I’ve looked my pain straight in the face and dared to write about it to a bunch of “strangers,” I can finally let it go. Maybe now I can cast my hurt and anger away and let Allah SWT’s healing, sustaining Noor into my heart for a change. Maybe now I can finally stop shaking a closed fist at Allah SWT and embrace His infinite love and mercy with open arms.

Maybe now I can dare to hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel; not all tests last a lifetime.

Just maybe.

JazakAllah Khair for reading this,








Hijabi humility, hijabi pride

In Uncategorized on May 31, 2009 at 11:48 pm

Salaams everyone,

Well it’s 6:15 PM, a mushroom-and-pepper pizza is bubbling away in the oven, and I am in a happy mood, considering that it’s a Sunday and that my precious one-on-one time with my wonderful husband is drawing to a close.

We took a drive this afternoon to our local “Subzi Mandi” (Indo-Pak grocery) where I always feel like the proverbial kid in the candy store–so many Desi delights under one roof! I stocked up on my faves: yogurt, coconut milk, dried fruit, chickpeas, naan bread, and other treats. On the way we home we stopped to fill up the car with gas and a young man gave us salaams. Since he was new in town, he wasn’t sure where the nearest masjid was and my hubby was happy to point him in the right direction. As we pulled away, I said to him, “May Allah SWT bless you for that good deed you just did.” My husband replied, “And Allah SWT will bless YOU in turn, because if you had not been wearing your hijab, that brother would have never known that I was a Muslim.”

I felt so proud yet incredibly humbled. We all know the power of giving and receiving salaams, and knowing that I played a minor role in that little exchange made me so happy.

Hijab: do we REALLY know the extent of the blessings we are showered with?

Much love to everyone,


Miles and miles of blessings

In Uncategorized on May 30, 2009 at 9:14 pm

Assalamu Aleikum!

OK sisters, where are you? Did I tell you guys that sabr was never one of my strong points? My blog is only a few days old and here I am frantically checking my email every 5 minutes to see if I have any new comments…that’s just not realistic! It’s not like one starts a blog and everyone in cyberspace magically knows where you are. Still, I’ll be looking forward to the day, insha-Allah, where I am an established blog with many followers…I hope, I hope! Ya Allah SWT, I know those sisters are out there, please send them to me! 🙂

The day’s not over, but so far it’s been amazing and I am really blessed. Hubby and I got up early to participate in our best-loved weekend ritual–visiting yard sales (or tag sales, rummage sales, garage sales, jumble sales or whatever you call them in your part of the world.) Maybe you think it’s crazy to be buying what my mother used to derisively call “someone else’s trash,” but in our case their “trash” has evolved into a tremendous treasure for us. I can’t begin to tell you about the cool stuff we get for pennies on the dollar. Housewares, clothes, stuff for the yard…you name it. The really wonderful thing is that it’s turned into such a fun thing to do for our marriage and Allah SWT seems to lead us to just the right things that we need and an indulgence or two as well! We usually come home after two or three hours, but today there was a “Mile Long Sale” in another neighborhood that had TONS of houses. May Allah SWT forgive me, but I kept telling my hubby that it was just like Christmas. He wasn’t thrilled about that analogy, but hey…I’m a convert and I can joke around a little bit if I want to. I was also lucky enough to meet a really sweet young lady who has a beadcraft business. She is going to start giving me private lessons, subhanAllah!

Anyway, we were out for HOURS and when we came home, car stuffed to the gills, we just wanted to crash for a while. So, here I am, post-nap and thinking about dinner, which is going to be palak paneer (creamed spinach with cheese cubes, which is my absolute fave Desi dish, bar none!) We’re going to break with tradition and serve it on pasta instead of rice, which actually sounds pretty yummy.

Today’s haul–and what a haul it was!–made me reflect upon Allah SWT’s incredible generosity towards us. If we only stop and look around, we’ll see just how incredibly rich we are. Perhaps we are not “rich” in the financial sense, but maybe you got lucky like we did today and got something that was new-to-you for just a few bucks. Or maybe you looked up to see a gorgeous display of stars in a clear, cloudless sky…or heard a baby’s laughter…or spent some quality time with your pet…or just hung out on the back porch with the one you love while sharing a frosty glass of iced tea (or my personal Desi fave, nimbu pani/limeade).  Look around, ladies! You’re rich! Even if you can’t think of one good thing that has happened to you recently, pick up your Quran! Reflect in the glory of Allah SWT’s mighty Word–nothing can take that away from you!  Are you a convert sister? Take a moment to remember that when you took shahada, alhumdulillah, that you became as a newborn baby, free of all the past sins that have dragged you down in this often painful world we live in. Think of how EVERY prayer of ours is answered in Allah SWT’s time, whether it be granting our prayer, taking something bad away from us, or getting something even better in Jannah! And Jannah, indeed, is the ultimate proof of Allah SWT’s generosity. We ALL have a chance to earn a place in Jannah, a chance that will sustain us throughout eternity! Certainly the chance of entering Jannah is infinitely better for us than any lottery ticket we could ever buy, astaghfirallah.

Do you see? As Muslims, we are rich indeed–and this prosperity has nothing to do with the car we drive or the size of our bank account. Why not take a moment now to make du’a that your eyes be opened, and look around. Rejoice in the bounty and beauty of Allah SWT.

Your sister on the path to Jannah,


The needs and dreams of Gori girls

In Uncategorized on May 29, 2009 at 9:52 pm

Salaams everyone,

What is a Gori, you ask? Well, it’s Desi (South Indian)-speak for “white girl,” which is me to a T.  How many sisters out there are like me–blessed (or cursed LOL) with stick-straight Gori hair that no hiajb can grab on to? Well, I have a very cheap, and fun, solution for you, and an inspirational story for you to ponder as well.

I’m assuming that you wear underscarves already, and if you don’t, you’ll find that your life is a lot easier as a hijabi if you DO wear one. Finally, the darn thing won’t slip off! You can find underscarves at just about any hijab online store, but give my way a try if you like: go to your local thrift store and find some stretchy cotton T-shirts. Get any colors you like–I even have tye-dye–and cut the sleeves off. Pull the sleeve over your head like a tube. VOILA! Instant cheap, trendy underscarf! You can choose to sew the cut edge smooth or just hide the ragged edge under the hijab like I do. This is a great trick for the hijabi on a budget or for summertime when we seem to just “soak through” our underscarves. For just a few bucks we can get a whole bunch of underscarves to add to our collection.

One of these days I’m going to take the time to decorate some of the homemade underscarves I’ve made–maybe with fabric paint, lace, or even a rhinestone or two. There’s just something so lovely about a pretty underscarf peeking out from under a hijab…it really brings the look together.

Yes, ladies, I have a dream. I know that there are a ton of hijab stores out there (at least online), but insha-Allah I hope the world has room for the images I’m creating of hijab, underscarves, and pins. ESPECIALLY pins. In my opinion, there is a serious lack of really nice, sophisiticated hijab pins out there and Allah SWT has blessed me with some great ideas. Who knows, perhaps Allah SWT will bless me with an online store where I can make those dreams reality.

Speaking of dreams fulfilled, I can’t think of a better example of how Allah blesses good intentions than by telling you about Sister Julie of  When Sister Julie converted she lived in a part of the USA that had practically NO amenities for converts like her, much less hiajbs she could be proud to wear. So, she fulfilled the need herself with the blessing of Allah SWT. First she started small by selling a few hijabs on eBay, but mashAllah, the need for quality, beautiful hiajbs skyrocketed and now Sister Julie has THREE online stores and a brick-and-mortar store in Texas!  Believe me, this sister has EVERYTHING….just about every type of scarf (and underscarf) in every color, print, and style you can imagine.  Every time I visit the site, she has another beautiful collection of hijabs.

I don’t own any stock in Sister Julie’s business (LOL), this is just such a great example of how Allah SWT blesses good intentions. From having access to nothing at all Allah SWT not only answered her prayer, but surpassed it by blessing her with a thriving business that helps hijabis all around the world. When I feel depressed about my own future, I think of Sister Julie and how her dream became reality. Alhumdulillah.

What are YOUR dreams? Have you given up making du’a (as I am prone to do) because you have already made du’a one million times and you don’t think your dream is “big” or significant enough for Allah SWT? Sisters, don’t you dare let those dreams go. Allah SWT sees every desire of your heart, and there is nothing too big or too small for Him. Think of your dreams as seeds planted in incredibly fertile soil. Even though you may not see anything under the surface, your du’as are providing the sun, wind, rain and everything your dreams need to grow. You may not see anything going on for a long time. This is when we are tempted to stop making du’a–or worse, succumb to the temptations of the shaytan and just get frustrated and kick the soil everywhere yelling, “Allah (SWT) is not listening to me!” Don’t be fooled. Remember that Allah SWT loves it so much when we call upon him for EVERYTHING, even a shoelace.  So keep praying, praying, praying. Remember, too, that Allah SWT may not fulfill your dream exactly as you expect it to be. That’s OK, because there may be something even better waiting in store. If you keep praying, your frustration will be rewarded with those precious things called sabr (patience), and iman (faith).

If you’re in that angry, frustrated, doubtful place as I have been so many times, please take a moment to remember Sister Julie. If she can fulfill her dreams, so can we…with the blessing of our Beloved Allah Almighty.

Just BELIEVE. It works!

My love to all,


Have I finally found something that works?

In Uncategorized on May 28, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Salaams everyone,

The word for today is “tired.” Why? Well, I’ve spent most of my day looking at blogs, reading blogs, and trying to find blogs. You can say that I’m pretty “blogged out” right now, that’s for sure. One of the many blessings that Allah SWT has given me is that I am able to work out of my home, and in between phone calls I’ve been blog surfing.

Wow…you are certainly a diverse lot, from the daring and irreverent to the extremely pious. I’ve learned a lot from you sisters today.  Allah SWT has made us with different hopes, dreams, families, and backgrounds, but we are all united for love of Him. I’m going to keep looking for you, and commenting on your posts when I read something that really resonates with me. So…watch out! 🙂

What am I up to right now? Well, the house has another distincly Asian aroma, this time coming from a broccoli and bell pepper stir fry with tofu. I must say that my Pakistani husband had no clue what tofu was until I brought some home, and if you ask me, I don’t think he’s really crazy about it, but he eats it to make me happy. My husband flatters me way too much when it comes to my cooking, but hey, it’s a blessing and a privilege to be able to cook for such a wonderful husband as he is.

If I’m serious about blogging then at some point I need to bring up my eating disorder in greater detail. I have been diagnosed with binge eating disorder and it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life–one of the consequences being that I’m a lot heavier than I should be. I have gone back and forth on this issue with Allah SWT and have felt a lot of anger and frustration at Him (astaghfirallah) for what I go through. To explain my motives as best as I can, there are just times that the only thing that will take my pain, anger, boredom, sadness, lonliness (fill in the blank) is to eat. The weight has piled on and that has only caused me to feel worse about myself.

I’m actually going to try hypnosis as a way to calm myself down and relax more, and hopefully that will help me to cope with the overeating. I was worried that it was haram as a form of witchcraft or something, but I found an online fatwa that said it wasn’t. I bought a CD from eBay that I can play over and over again, and I was told that I need to allow at least 28 days to change my approach to food and eating. So may Allah SWT put his barkat in this little experiment and I will keep you posted! 🙂

Love and light to everyone.

Dunya vs. Deen…the battle continues

In Uncategorized on May 27, 2009 at 10:20 pm

Assalamu Aleikum everyone,

First of all, JazakAllah Khair for the awesome comments I’m getting so far. I was wondering if anyone would bother to read this blog and I’m happy to say that the answer is yes. I really appreciate it and please keep those responses coming. There is nothing more I’d love to have right now than a network of loving sisters in cyberspace. 🙂

I’m in a very contemplative mood right now. Allah SWT has chosen to test me in this lifetime with mental illness (bipolar depression) and an eating disorder (binge eating disorder) and even though I try to face these tests to the best of my ability, I really struggle with them. Allah SWT has gifted me with so much but I am far from being the woman and sister I’d like to be….not by a long shot. My struggle of dunya vs. deen continues as it does day by day. I remember speaking to a wonderful sister who, after hearing about some of my battles, said that the accursed shaytan must be really angry that I became a Muslim. Great…as if I didn’t have enough issues with the shaytan already. I guess my biggest issue, and maybe this is a leftover issue from my agnostic days, is that I have a problem with the idea that a shaytan even exists in the first place. It’s not great to know that there is an entity out there who is on your back 24/7 trying to mess up your life and turn you away from Allah SWT.

Astaghfirallah, sometimes I even pretend that there is no such thing as a shaytan and I try to go my merry way in life, but of course that’s just a fantasy as it is stated clearly in Quran that he does exist. So whether I choose to admit it or not, I am stuck fighting this battle every day of my life. I should probably stop writing about the shaytan now as he is probably thrilled that I am giving him so much attention, but hey….it’s a problem. And don’t even get me started about waswasa.

It seems that whenever a positive thought enters my head waswasa invades my mind and poisons my thoughts. For example, I have waswasa every time I post to this blog. The waswasa says that I am a lousy writer, that I’m boring, that nobody will want to read this. What I need to remember is that waswasa is a LIE and that I should just ignore it….again, easier said than done.

If Allah SWT has guided you to read this post, could you do me a little favor? How do you fight your battles with the accursed shaytan? How do you handle waswasa? What works for you? That would mean so much to me.

In other, more mundane, news, I’m glad it’s Wednesday. I know that we just had a federal holiday and that the workweek is technically still pretty young, but I miss my hubby so much when he’s not around. I have prepared a marvelous dish of shrimp scampi (with so much garlic that you can probably smell it a mile away) and insha-Allah we’ll enjoy it tremendously. Ya know, speaking of cooking and being Muslim, I recently read that it was a blessing to cook for your husband and that we wives (or sisters or moms 0r friends) will be rewarded in Jannah for it with a selection of anything that we would like to eat (halal, of course.) To me, that is the ultimate gift as I don’t think there will be any calorie counting in Jannah! 🙂

One final thing: I keep meaning to say this but keep forgetting, so this is really important. I am not a scholar or a hafiz or anyone with that kind of knowledge about Islam (may Allah SWT increase my understanding) so I am trying to tread very lightly when it comes to posting anything related to sharia or fatwas in this blog. All of my knowledge and understanding comes from Allah SWT and any mistakes are my own. I humbly ask Him to forgive me for any mistakes I may write in this blog about Islam, hopefully there won’t be any–but I’m only human.

May Allah SWT shower you with his generosity, love, abundance, and infinite mercy.